The Roots of Dysfunction and Abuse

For most of my life I was obsessed with two desperate needs: to be in a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman, and to be seen as a “good boy” by everyone around me.  These needs created intense conflict in my life, especially in my teens, for as a good Christian boy they were quite at odds with each other.

For me the need to be “good” won out until my late twenties, but at huge expense to myself.  I was unable to relate in any kind of normal way with attractive women, for I was terrified that they would discover how obsessed I was with having sex with them.  All my words would leave my mind, and I would find myself running away as quickly as possible.  Worse, everyone in my life had a different idea of what it meant for me to be a “good boy,” little of which had anything to do with what was actually good for me, and so I lived out my life in terror and intense frustration.

Meanwhile, though I didn’t understand it at the time, I watched similar battles being played out in people all around me, and the self-destructive results of those battles: My grandfather, a deeply religious “man of God” and spiritual leader, was also self-righteous and intensely intolerant, and was ultimately accused of inappropriate behavior with young girls.  My parents fought incessantly, but stayed together because it was the “right” thing to do even though it made home a living hell at times.  Teenagers I knew turned up pregnant and were forced to get married.  Marriages ended in disaster and shame.  People turned to drugs and alcohol and destroyed their own lives.  And on and on…

By my late twenties I’d seen through the hypocrisy of Christianity and the silliness of so many of its taboos, and at last I was able to form a relationship with a wonderful woman.  I thought my obsession with sex and relationship would finally be satisfied, but it wasn’t.  Our relationship was wonderful in every way, but I wasn’t satisfied and eventually I had to leave in search of something more.  I’d seen a woman’s face in my mind since I was ten years old, and now I believed it was the face of a soulmate whom I needed to find.

Throughout my thirties and the first half of my forties I explored a few short-term relationships, and a longer one with someone who felt a lot like the woman I’d been looking for but with whom I could never quite get along.  Along the way I began to realize that it wasn’t really a woman I was looking for, but my own self, and gradually my attention began to turn inward.  The intense longing was still there, but at last I was starting to see that I had to find its fulfillment inside myself instead of in another person.

But how?  How does one go from desperately needing the touch and affection of another, to finding that fulfillment and satisfaction within?  It’s the holy grail of nearly all new age and self-help philosophy, but though I understood it perfectly well in my head, I had no idea how to make it real in my experience.

Then I met a woman who seemed to be my perfect match, and for the first time in my life I fell head-over-heels in love.  For three blissful months I thought my dream had come true, until one day she announced that it wasn’t working for her and our relationship ended.  Then I fell apart like I never had before, and when I was still a blubbering wreck four months later I finally cried out to my own soul:  Why?  Why am I so obsessed with relationship and sex?

The answer came quickly: Go and attend Tobias’ Sexual Energies workshop.

I’d known about the workshop since before it was created, but it was expensive and I didn’t think I needed it that much, so I’d put off taking it for a couple years.  Now I knew it was time, so I signed up for the next available class and my life changed forever.

The three-day Sexual Energies School is not so much about sex.  Rather, it’s about the underlying “sexual energies” that fuel and motivate nearly everything we do as humans.  It’s about the masculine and feminine energies, and about the imbalance that was created between them long ago.  That imbalance is like a virus that spreads from person to person and perpetuates itself for generation after generation, manifesting in all kinds of insidious ways and causing us to feed on and steal each other’s energies.

This energy virus pervades all human societies and is the cause of all physical and psychic abuse between people, but there is a very simple cure.  That cure is to fall in love with self, for then it becomes impossible to feed upon or abuse other people, or for them to feed upon or abuse you.  For that reason the Sexual Energies School focuses first on understanding what the virus is and how it manifests, and then on some simple and profoundly effective ways of learning how to love yourself.

This school changed my life more profoundly than any other workshop I have ever attended.  Before it was half done I knew that I needed to be able to offer it myself, so I immediately signed up for the teacher training program.

Everything in life looks different to me since the Sexual Energies School.  Now I see the energy dynamics between people, and I understand why they play out the way they do.  Now I understand what I was really searching for all those years, and I understand what caused all the dysfunction and self-destruction I’ve watched in other people.  Now when I work with someone as a mentor or coach I don’t spend very much time trying to help them solve the problems in their lives, for I’ve learned that if I can help them to start falling in love with themselves, even just a little bit, all those other problems start to resolve themselves.

It took awhile to integrate everything I learned in that school, and learning to love myself is a continual and ongoing process.  But one day about a year and a half later, I realized that at last I had become so comfortable with myself that I was happy being single, and that if I was single for the rest of my life it would be just fine.  I realized that while I would welcome a relationship with a compatible woman I no longer needed it, and I also realized that I would never again struggle to make a relationship work that wasn’t easy, for to do so is just to feed on each other and to steal each other’s energy.

Perhaps synchronistically, it was about that same time that my teacher certification was finally approved and I got to teach my first Sexual Energies School alongside Elizabeth Kobren, who was one of the teachers in the one I first attended.  And then, a few weeks later and to my great surprise, the woman whose face I had been searching for since I was ten years old walked into my life.  I knew Mary Beth the instant I saw her picture, and today we’re happily engaged to be married.  But I still don’t need her, and we can tell you now that a relationship between two people who are whole and complete and in love with themselves is truly a wonderful thing.

As we got to know each other it became obvious that we had indeed been looking for each other all our lives, but we also realized that it would not have worked if we had met sooner.  She had to learn how to love herself too, and if we had not both reached that point, a relationship would never have worked.  But now it is wonderful and magical, especially because it does not depend on either of us being anything other than who we are for the sake of the other.

There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude to Tobias for the material in the Sexual Energies School.  It has changed my life more than anything else I’ve ever done, and I’ve watched it change the lives of many others in equally profound ways.  I’ve seen people develop a presence, and a glow about themselves that I’ve never seen before, after working with this material for a short time.  And it has brought more peace and joy into my life than I have ever known before.

If you’re interested in attending a Sexual Energies School please check my events page for the next one I’m doing, or click here to read more about it and to find one in your area.  There are now hundreds of teachers offering this school all around the world.

The Sexual Energies School (SES) is a three-day workshop experience that includes six sessions with Tobias, channeled through Geoffrey Hoppe, along with teacher-led activities and discussions.  Although the sessions with Tobias are recorded, he brings his energy into every teacher-led workshop in a very tangible way, and the experience is just as real as if Geoff were there channeling him live.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb_Xele9cTA

There are always at least two certified teachers present at an SES workshop, and our job is to create a safe space and to facilitate discussion and activities during the workshop, and also to be available for personal facilitation if needed.  During this workshop you’ll be looking at parts of you that have been buried for a very long time, and there may be times when you need an experienced facilitator to help you breathe your way through the feelings.

Be assured that the activities in an SES workshop are very personal in nature, and do not involve interaction with others.  Even in the group discussions you will not be asked to share more than you wish, so you need not fear having to expose yourself to others in ways that are uncomfortable.

This workshop WILL change your life.  Are you ready?

Please check the Events page for the next class.