“I” Statements

It might seem strange to find a concept as beautiful as speaking in “I” statements in a list of sacred cows.  But this once-beautiful and empowering concept has become one of the biggest and ugliest sacred deceptions of the New Age and Pop Psychology movements, and it’s time that we break it all down and set that brilliant little calf free again.

The concept of speaking in “I” statements first came into being when a few brilliant people recognized the importance of taking full ownership and absolute responsibility for their own lives, and of communicating with others from that place.  They understood that the emotions they felt resulted not from the things others did or said, but from how they interpreted those words and events inside their own minds.  So when those emotions were triggered they would turn inward to examine their own thoughts and beliefs, instead of projecting outward and blaming the other.

In relationships they learned not to say blaming things like, “You hurt me,” or “You made me feel bad.”  Instead they would ask permission to share their feelings with the other, not so the other would change, but so the other might assist them in exploring the interpretations and limiting beliefs within themselves that gave rise to their feelings.  Once permission was granted and a safe (non-blaming) space was created, and only then, they would say something like “When you did (or said) ____, I felt ____.”  Then they would begin a process of looking underneath their emotions for the stories and beliefs that drove them, and of questioning and dismantling those beliefs.

The results were near miraculous, for in that safe and supportive space one could make great strides in understand and dismantling one’s own limiting beliefs and the powerful emotions they fed.  And, though the purpose was never to get the other person to change, the vulnerable and open sharing of feelings, combined with absolute ownership of them, would often open the heart of the other so much that a whole new level of understanding would come.  Everyone would feel heard and understood (though that was not the point either), and their relationships would be transformed.

This simple process was so transformative, and such a refreshing change from the old games of blame and shame and manipulation, that the people who discovered it began teaching it to others.  Those people in turn were so impressed that they taught it to still others, and soon it was all the rage of New Thought circles.

But most people don’t like responsibility, so they started taking shortcuts and a key element was lost.  They tried to get the easy fix without doing the inner work, and all too soon the “I” statement became little more than a covert and politically correct way of saying, “You did something wrong and you need to change.”  Today it is exceedingly rare to hear a genuine “I” statement, but almost every day I hear people expertly stringing together the words of an “I” statement in a way that turns out to have a big giant “you” statement hidden inside.

Today people have become experts at using the “correct” words and saying things like, “When you did that I felt this.”  On the surface it sounds like an “I” statement.  But they seldom ask permission to share beforehand, and they almost never follow through with an exploration of what inside them caused them to feel the way they do.  They’ll talk for awhile about how bad they feel and they’ll bandy around words like “ownership,” but they don’t actually take responsibility for how they feel.  The underlying message that comes through louder than the words is still, “You’ve done something wrong and you need to change.”

So how does one learn to speak in real “I” statements?

First is to understand that it is your underlying intention and feeling that comes through in any communication, and when you get that clear it matters little what words you use.  One of the hallmarks of a sacred cow is when the form becomes more important than the underlying energy and intention, and getting caught up on the correct use of “I” versus “you” quickly becomes nothing but a distraction.

Second is to understand that “I” statements are all about taking absolute personal responsibility for your own life and everything in it, and especially for your own feelings.  If you are not ready to accept that level of responsibility you should not attempt to use “I” statements, for they will be nothing more than lies and deceptions and attempts to manipulate other people into being what you want them to be.

Ownership is not enough, and in fact that word is quickly becoming a brand new sacred cow.  It’s easy to say, “I own my home, but you burned it down and I hate you for that.”  It’s another thing entirely to say, “I own my home and I accept full responsibility for having allowed it to burn down, and I thank you for giving me the opportunity see that part of my shadow.”  That is what real “I” statements are all about.

The Shadow Side of “I” Statements

This discussion would not be complete without addressing another aspect of “I” statements, and that is that no matter how genuine they are, in many cases they are a copout.

One of my all time favorite movies is a little known film entitled Interstate 60.  There’s a character in the movie whose motto (and pet peeve) is, “Say what you mean, mean what you say.”  Having been given only months to live by his doctors, he’s wrapped himself in a vest of dynamite and now goes around enforcing honesty on everyone he meets.  At the slightest hint of a lie or a half-truth he uncovers his explosive vest and threatens to blow himself up along with everyone around him, until the liar comes clean.  At first he seems like a crazy and dangerous fool, but in the end his enforcement of radical honesty saves the day, and in the process rescues an entire town from drowning under the weight of its own lying niceness.

Niceness is another huge sacred cow that permeates society, and one that I’ll address in a future post.  For now consider that “being nice” in our society is primarily about not hurting the feelings of others, and that is a denial of free choice and personal responsibility.  More than that it is to feed on the energy of others, for what you are really doing is seeking their approval and trying to avoid the anger and rejection that might result if you simply say what you really mean.

Of course that does not mean that being “not nice” is any better.  A master, or a truly self-responsible person, is neither nice nor not-nice.  They are real, and they say what they mean and mean what they say.  In that clarity everyone knows exactly who and what they are, and everything becomes much clearer.  Can you imagine what society would be like if more people were that honest and clear?  Or if our politicians could somehow be required to say what they mean and to mean what they say?

“I” statements are very useful in some situations, especially in carefully structured settings where the mutually agreed upon purpose is deeper understanding.  But all too often “I” statements are used as just another way to be “nice,” and to smooth the rug over things that really need to be openly and clearly expressed. “I” statements can be a wonderful bridge, but they cannot replace the empowerment and clarity that comes from simply saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Some will respond with anger, or will feel sad, hurt, or even betrayed when you have the audacity to call a spade a spade to their face, but that is about them and their choices, not you.  Even in their anger and pain some will catch a glimpse of a level of clarity and courage in you that they long to have for themselves, and sooner or later they will come to appreciate your honesty.  Others will never forgive you, but do you really want those people in your life?  Is playing their energy-stealing game of niceness and self-limitation worth the cost of your own clarity and integrity?

The truth is that you do not have the power to hurt another with your words.  Any given set of words can be heard as vile and insulting by some, as humorous by others, and as an expression of love and affection by still others.  The only difference is in how they interpret those words, and that is entirely their choice.

You can come at me with all the rage you can muster, and it is my choice whether to take it personally or to laugh it off.  You can come at me seductively, intent on deceiving and manipulating me for your own purposes, and it is my choice whether to fall into your web or to feel into your essence and walk away.  You can betray me, and it is my choice whether to feel hurt or to feel grateful for the opportunity to make a new choice in my life.  My feelings are determined entirely by my own belief systems and by my own choices about how to view and interpret life, and they are not in any way your responsibility.

There is of course a time for sensitivity.  Not everyone is ready to look at the choices they are making or to accept responsibility for the way they feel, and in the interest of civilization we have to find ways to get along with them too.  That is where sensitivity is important and the use of “I” statements can be helpful, but it’s a fine line that must be walked with great awareness.  In the end any attempt to water down our words in order to protect another person from their own feelings is patronizing and manipulative, and is a denial of their free choice and their responsibility.

I believe that to speak your truth boldly and honestly in the moment, without imposing it upon anyone else or watering it down to save them from themselves, is the truest form of an “I” statement there is and one of the greatest gifts you can give to another.  The words you use matter little, so long as you are clear in accepting responsibility for your own experience and in not trying to impose your truth upon another.

___________

To those who ask why I don’t use more “I” statements in my writing I respond, that is not what “I” statements were meant for.

My writing is my own expression, and is clearly labeled as such.  I write from the authority of my own experience and from the passion of my own being, and no one is required to agree.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say, and I refuse to water it down with politically correct or “nice” words.

Does it sound like I am better than you, or more advanced?  That is your judgment, not mine.  I simply know what I know, and that knowing changes and evolves every day.  My job is to share what I know, and it is up to you to decide whether it is true for you or not.

Do I sound like a preacher at times?  GOOD!  That aspect of me was hurt very deeply a long time ago, and it has been hiding in terror ever since.  Today it is my honor to welcome it home, and to let its light shine forth once again.

Do I sound harsh at times?  That’s good too, for it is my intention to break down the comfortable little boxes that we’ve so often trapped ourselves inside of.  If you are offended by that you should probably read something else, for you will not be comfortable here.  I intend to challenge my readers to their very core and to question everything they’ve ever thought to be true, and in the process, hopefully, to inspire them to ever new discoveries about who they are and what is true for them.

I Am That I Am, and I am finished with apologizing for any part of my being.  I am finished with wrapping everything I say in niceties, or with saying “I” when I really mean “you,” in order to manipulate you into liking me.

I come in the authority of all that I am, and I invite you, dear reader, to claim that same space for yourself.